Friday, December 05, 2008

The One About Everyday

This is one of those posts that was sitting unfinished...
I thought it was funny anyway...

Before you begin this entry dear readers, I want you to understand that I love my husband and my child more than life itself. This entry is about "the funny". Because there are those days that can only be looked at that way.......

My house contains at any given time, myself, Nyt, my husband, Himself, our child, Eggroll, and our pets...Spinner, Swooper and Miss Thing. Swooper is the newest addition and at 9 weeks old, he's already turning this place upside down.

Let us begin....

4:25AM- Awake to a full bladder and a chilly room. Silently curse the ass that said 40 was the new 30. Attempt to creep silently past Swooper's cage into the bathroom. Realize that I'm missing a sock and the bathroom floor is damn cold.
4:26AM- Relieve myself and then decide against flushing (wouldn't want to wake Swooper)
4:27AM- Creep back to bed. Realize that Spinner is not going to relinquish any blankets. Search for alternate blanket.
4:28AM- Blanket located.
4:40AM- Decide that sleep is futile
4:45AM- Give up the ghost and set sights on an uninterrupted shower
4:46AM- Plan of uninterrupted shower thwarted by squeaking Swooper
4:47 AM- Close bedroom door and release Swooper from kennel. Discover that Miss Thing is on the wrong side of the door as pitiful mewling begins.
4:48AM- Drop newspaper on floor. Swooper misses newspaper by mere inches..
4:49AM- Wash floor
4:55AM- Throw self into shower. Accomplish clean in a record 10 minutes.
5:05AM- Head for dresser and clean underwear..step in warm Swooper pee
5:06AM- Wash feet
5:08AM- Wash floor
5:10AM-Apply make-up and do hair while chasing Swooper and removing stray stuff from his mouth. Swear silently as Spinner snuggles into the covers and emits a deep sigh. Pray that I'm not mistaken for a clown....
5:20 AM- Head downstairs to take dogs outside and make coffee. Realize that it is somewhere around 15 degrees out. Before jacket is even zipped, Swooper pees again.
5:21AM- Ignore pee and stand outside in snow and wind begging tiny dog to "go potty outside"
5:27AM- Wash floor
5:30AM- Reach coffeepot. Shed tears of joy
5:35AM- Himself reaches the kitchen and announces "I would have taken the dogs out.."
5:36AM- Contemplate murder....
5:37AM- Collect dogs, dog toys, cigarettes and lighter. Settle into chair for morning coffee, smoke and news.
5:40AM- Eggroll awake and calling for Daddy. Remind Himself that 5:40 in the morning is not an acceptable time for any child to get up. Ask that he take her potty and put her back in bed.
5:45AM- Himself returns from upstairs announcing "mission accomplished". Himself departs for work.
5:56 to 6:15AM- Swill coffee and puff cigarettes throughout early newscast.
6:16 to 6:30AM- Develop plan for the day. Realize that there is little or no food in the house. Figure on hitting two grocery stores before lunch. Decide to make list.
6:31AM- Find a Swooper poop on the way to get paper for grocery list.
6:32AM- Wash floor
6:35AM- Collect pets for another potty trip to the frozen tundra. Once again, Swooper pees before my jacket is even on.
6:36 to 6:44AM- Stand outside in freezing cold and snow waiting for tiny dog to "potty outside"
6:45AM- Wash floor
6:48AM- Prepare Eggroll's breakfast along with Swooper's.

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