Thursday, November 29, 2007

Morals, Ethics, and Adoption.......

I don't discuss the adoption thing much, it's like one of those computer programs that runs behind the scenes while I do something else. It has it's own life, it is out of my control, and I'll deal with it when/if it ever comes to pass. Or whenever I reach that magic deadline in my head (that's a story for another day).

Today's story, boys and girls, involves international adoption and the lengths that folks will go to get their own way. And the inevitable question....Should they?

I have lived with, or been married to Himself for close to ten years. In that time, my BIL has been diagnosed with "teh crazy". I cannot remember a time when he didn't have "teh crazy" and I can't remember a time when my BIL and "teh crazy" did not consume my SIL's life. My BIL is a bright man, but "teh crazy" has altered his life and put a tremendous burden on my SIL. Sometimes the anti-crazy meds worked, sometimes they didn't. Sometimes the BIL was well enough to work, sometimes he wasn't. My SIL was forced to be the grown-up, and to her credit, she handled many of life's trials and tribulations on her own.

In addition to dealing with "teh crazy" my SIL also dealt with infertility. Lots of infertility. And the all-consuming need to breed. Convinced that her life would be incomplete without a child, she endured countless procedures and countless disappointments. When it became somewhat apparent that birthing a child wasn't in the cards for her, she turned to alternative means. First came the foster system, and the foster system in her state said "Sorry, can't help you, your DH has "teh crazy". Then came the domestic adoption thing. And both the agencies and prospective mothers said "Sorry, can't help you, your DH has "teh crazy". Then, it was the international community. Several countries (including china) told her "Sorry, can't help you, your DH has "teh crazy".

Sometime during all of this, my SIL disappeared from our lives. Right after my MIL passed away several years ago, my SIL pulled a Garbo and announced that "she vanted to be alone". We didn't hear from her for three years. I think we received a Xmas card during that time, but that was about it. Phone calls went unreturned, and certainly our phone never rang. In the beginning I was somewhat supportive, then, as time went on, I decided that "teh crazy" was a sexually transmitted disease and she caught it.

Several weeks ago, our phone rang. It is the SIL with the announcement that she had just brought her son home from a Central American country and that she wanted to tell us before anyone else in the family did. WTF??? Along with the announcement came the request that we meet her at the airport during her layover (from visiting other relatives about an hour away) to meet our new nephew. Himself graciously accepted. As for me, I passed. I have trouble playing "nice" anyway, and my lack of verbal self-control would certainly put a damper on the situation. I also have an issue with the fact that she has not wanted anything to do with me or her brother for the last three years. We have walked the trials and tribulations of life alone, without any family. If she wants to be gone, she may stay gone. Life is too short to slap on the fake smile for people who don't give a damn whether you live or die. But enough about my issues....moving on....

Apparently, the meeting went well enough. However, during the conversation, Himself discovered that SIL had finally found a doctor that said BIL did not actually have "teh crazy" he was just prone to depression. And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the diagnosis that was put into the dossier. After ten years or more of having "teh crazy", suddenly my BIL was cured and isn't crazy after all.

I have no doubt that my BIL still has "teh crazy". It is my belief (and Himself's) that SIL shopped around until she could find a doctor that was willing to tell her what she wanted to hear (and commit it to paper). So here we are. Almost three years into waiting, after playing by the rules, after never being diagnosed with "teh crazy" (although I have often been suspected...LOL) and the cheater comes up with a child. And here lies the moral and ethical questions....

1) Is cheating justified? If you want something so badly that you're willing to toss the rules in the toilet, is it something that you should have?
2) If you've cheated, do you really have the child's best interest at heart?
3) And what of the agency who seemed to have conveniently ignored 10 years worth of diagnosis? Are they merely trafficking in children? And do they have the child's best interest at heart?
4) Is a child put into this situation actually better off?

I want to be happy for all concerned here, but I'm having difficulty. Moons ago, I was vilified for alluding to the fact that all we are doing by adopting internationally is buying a child. This blip on the screen has done nothing to change my mind. I can't imagine that somewhere out there, there wasn't a family who was better suited to raising this child.....perhaps their check didn't clear....

1 comment:

ISO(In)sanity said...

Yes, but you know what you have done and what you haven't will not have to hide anything from your child.

And you are not setting your child up to have to deal with issues that the "professionals" and the birth country have decided are unacceptable issues for that child to deal with.

No, I do not think the selfish end (us doing what we want to get a child to parent) justifies the means.

Hey, where are your Miis?