Sunday, March 08, 2009


The One About The "Story"

One of my favorite websites is www.salsainchina.blogspot.com. M3 has done a wonderful job of chronicling their adoption journey and their daily life. I check in almost daily, although I've just de-lurked recently. Her current topic is talking to your children about adoption. Any surprise here that I find myself on the "other side of the fence"?

The current trend is to tell your children all about their adoption. I'm not sure I agree. As a matter of fact, I know I don't.....

For starters, it should be mentioned that I am an adult adoptee of an adoptee. Yes, that's right folks, I'm a third generation adopter. My view is different. I'm also a good ten to fifteen years older than most of the folks with children the Eggroll's age. That makes the view a bit different as well.

I am pretty much stunned that folks are choosing to burden their (young) children with the past. Pouring over life-books, telling the "story" over and over...really?!? Ooo and the ones that try and explain the "one-child" thing to a small child? They flat-out scare me.

Kids need to know that they're adopted. But they need to know within the context of RIGHT NOW, not yesterday. They need to know that all families are different, and every family comes to be a family a different way. They need to know that they belong with OUR family, that they are wanted by the family that they have RIGHT NOW and that nothing is ever, ever, going to change that.

I've never agreed with the families that choose to emphasize the differences. There's a whole group of families out there that celebrate all things Chinese. Because their children are Chinese... but how many of these families are celebrating all things from their own heritage as well? How many of these families are actually celebrating and reveling in ALL of the cultures that make up their family? My best guess is, not many....

So, there are families out there trying to be "honest" with their children. And I think that's a good thing.. but when the "honesty" becomes consuming, when the "story" of the past takes precedent over the "story" of the present...that's a problem..
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2 comments:

The Morris Family said...

Wow! Found your blog through your comment on Salsa. THANK YOU for saying what may not be the most popular answer, but may be one of the most important things to consider- and that is that in our quest to give our children the perfect answers to their questions about adoption, we risk confusing them and also burdening them with too much information. You said it well!

Nyt said...

Thank you so much for your kind comment. Mine is not the popular view, but I do believe that it's a valid one...I'm glad that you do too!