The One About Mind Control and the Mouse

Well, finally I feel a little bit better. Whatever this season's virus is, it's butt-kicking and evil. I was sick during the holidaze, felt better for our trip, and then came home to gooey, multi-colored, feverish, hacking "ick" that landed me in the doctor's office begging for anything that might make it stop. One Z-pak, some narcotic cough syrup, and an anti-mold pill later and I'm almost back to normal. We shall not discuss my right ear which has not yet cleared from the flight on the 22nd. (I am completely convinced that Edgar Allen Poe was NOT driven mad by Absinthe, he merely had a plugged ear) I've been hearing my heartbeat and my jaw click, and my eyes blinking for close to ten days now....it certainly can drive someone very close to the edge...

But, enough about me...let's talk vacation. Let's talk The Mouse...

We set off for warmer destinations on Disney's Magic. Despite my initial trepidation, I have to say that we truly enjoyed ourselves. The destinations were awesome (although St. Marten is looking a little worse for wear) and the Eggroll truly had a blast. 

Disney does a lot of things right with these cruises. There's plenty for everyone to do. As a family we enjoyed all 3 stage shows, "Tangled" in 3D, character appearances, and dinners together every night. The Eggroll loved the idea of the "Oceaneer's Club" along with Mickey's pool and Himself and I availed ourselves of the wine list. I defy anyone to find a better way to watch the Bears play in the middle of January

There were a few things that got to me after a few days. The Mouse, he is everywhere. The curtains, the blankets, the rugs, the floors. The Mouse decides what you watch on TV (8 out of 12 channel offerings were Disney. We had a tough time getting the score for the Green Bay game). Your food may or may not be in the silhouette of the mouse. It's a bit unnerving after a while. Then there are the people. They are lovely...in a Stepford Mouse sort of way. I believe in greeting people, if you ask me how I am, I will give you a reply and then I will ask you the same. No matter who I asked or when, the answer was always "Magical". I know we stay in character for the kids, but I've got to say, after a few days?? Totally creepy.

Then there were the lines. Good God, you must line up for absolutely everything! I actually got in line the day we were leaving, just because I had gotten so used to it. I didn't need to be there, I was actually free to continue down the hallway. 

 

We had some wonderful happen as well. Our cabin attendant was awesome. I love folks who put in that little bit of extra thoughtfulness. We got the usual turndown in the evening and the hilariously funny towel animals, and then one night, the Eggroll got a surprise. We had been to the aquarium on the island and I had gotten a stuffed stingray for her. (to go with her octopus of course) We stored her stuffed animals in the cabinet with the blankets and when we came in that evening, she was all smiles to discover that the "elves" had left her a giant stingray to match the small one.

 

 

Such a thoughtful thing to do...

The other bit of wonderful was the way my illness was handled. I have celiac, and while I don't make a big deal out of it, it was lovely to have my meals specially handled without me having to do a thing. Normally I dance around the menu, picking and choosing the things that are a safe bet for me. Evenings rolled around and our server merely told me what he had ordered for me. I had veto power, but I only exercised that once. So nice not to be responsible for myself if only for a little while.

The only complaint that I truly had was that none of the literature made mention of the fact that most of the outlets in the cabin are European. This caused a bit of a kerfluffle when Himself's CPAP machine couldn't be plugged in bedside. We were forced to run an extension cord across the room to another outlet. Not tragic, but certainly not the safest thing if you have a child who gets up in the middle of the night. I didn't think too much about it, but I did write about it on the survey thingie they give you on the last night. Color me surprised when I received a call from Disney several days after I got home. They offered their apologies and then asked me for suggestions. Seriously, just put it in the literature. Most of us who travel have our own converters...

Would I do it again? For a destination, yes. We've already discussed doing the Alaska thing with them just because the weather can be so iffy in Alaska. We'd love for the Eggroll to see Alaska, but we're not so foolish as to think that sitting on the balcony watching otters and whales is going to be enough for her. When it comes to kids, Disney does it right...

The One About What Happens When The Men Talk

For the last year or so, I've been crabbing about space. My home is plenty large enough, but several of the rooms are just set up poorly. Specifically, I still have a formal living room and dining room. The dining room we use from time to time, but the living room? Not so much. My family room is long and narrow with doors and things in odd places. So I broke it into two areas only to discover that we only use one. And that no more than 4 people can be in that area at one time. Which means that someone always ended up sitting on the floor.

So I had an idea. I figured that if I made the living room into the family room then I could turn the family room into a kind of library-office thing that used all of the space instead of just half. I also figured that I could take my time, plan things out, sell off what I didn't need, choose my items carefully.....

Anyone see where this is going???

Oh I found some sofas and a couple of chairs. I decided to repurpose an existing secretary and a few tables. I found a more "family friendly" dining room set that I figured I could wait on... 

And then Himself stopped by Flipper's. BY HIMSELF. And then my phone rang.

Himself: Honey, guess what? Flipper is giving us a big TV for Christmas!

Nyt: Sweetie, we already have a big TV. Did Flipper perhaps fall down and hit his head?

Himself: No honey... a BIGGER TV!

Nyt: Honey, hand the phone to Flipper. (he hands the phone to Flipper) 

(to Flipper) HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND??

Flipper: Nope. Your changing around rooms anyway and you have more than enough wall space. Besides, Himself really wants it.

Nyt: I said I was thinking about it..

Flipper: But he wants it, and I'm getting it..

And 73 inches of high definition goodness was delivered to my home within the week.

Now I am grateful, I really am, but the reality of this is it's like giving someone a puppy. The puppy's awesome, all cute, and playful, and furry. But then the recipient has to get all the things that go with the puppy. And then there are the changes that have to be made because of the puppy. Puppy accessories and accommodations if you will. It's never ending.

Currently, I'm working on the whole custom blind thing. It unnerves me to see cars stop and BACK UP so that perfect strangers can enjoy our movie choices FROM THE STREET!! 

I wonder what costs less. New blinds or one of those speaker thingies like they used to have at the drive-in...

The One Where I Return From Sabbatical

Well then..... I trust that everyone had fun and fabulous Holidaze???? If you answered "yes" good for you.. if you answered "no" well, then...better luck next year...

Since I've been absent for darn near 30 days, we'll keep the recap short and sweet. Heaven knows that no one wants to listen to me babble for hours... I believe we left off right before Thanksgiving.

THANKSGIVING--
2 turkeys, 2 different kinds of dressing, 2 kinds of potatoes, 2 weeks of furious housecleaning, 15 people, 5 of which I like, 10 of which I don't, 2 fags, 1 recovering alcoholic, 1 eight week old puppy, 1 Eggroll, 4 other kids, 2 sets of parents allergic to disciplining the 4 children, Flipper holding court in his chair..(then there was the complaining that my family room doesn't seat enough people) 'Nuff said??? Good......moving on.....

POST-THANKSGIVING
At least one week was spent in recovery from the Thanksgiving meal. One of the great mysteries in my life is "where the hell does all this stuff go??" My house regularly burps up enough entertaining gear for a White House dinner, then refuses to accept the return of said gear. When it finally does accept the returns, there's a whole "get even" thing, which is why, no matter how many I buy, I never have more than 9 of anything...placemats, napkins, glasses...nine, apparently, is my homes lucky number....
The week was also spent holding my breath. Flipper and friends were scheduled to depart for the Great Southwest on the 13th of December. If you've hung around here for a while, then you know the airlines will not board the friends unless the ground temp is higher than 20 degrees. The week before his departure was bitterly cold. I made contingency plans, they involved 2 friends, one Eggroll, a fag, and Vanbo..... didn't sound like a vacation to me. Flipper being the clueless soul that he is thought it would be a fabulous idea to bring "all" the friends down since I was driving anyway... so let's see...that makes...Skinny, Minnie, Spinner, Swooper, Eggroll, Nyt, 1 fag, 1800 miles, and Vanbo...I gently reminded Flipper that Vanbo is a MINI-van, not a tour bus....and then my hair fell out.
Since Flipper is such a lucky guy, departure day was a balmly 36 degrees... I finally exhaled several hours after I dropped him off....
Of course the next several days were spent prepping Eggroll and myself for departure. Due to circumstances beyond our control (two busted eyes and one take-out pick-up...) Himself was out of days for the year, and we were, unfortunately, spending the Holidaze apart. We have made the joint decision to NEVER, EVER, DO THIS AGAIN. Even if we travel separately, we will spend the holiday together....

CHRISTMAS
Ahhh the Great Southwest....yeah...right.... While signifigantly warmer than the home front, it rained for the first week we were here. And then it never got quite warm enough..... Desert damp is different from Midwest damp. It lingers longer... I've been here almost three weeks now, and it's only really been warm enough to enjoy outside for 2 or three days. ....

Tune in tomorrow for the conclusion of..."As The Clueless Carry On"

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The One About Family and Frustration

Ahhhh, the holidaze....They're approaching rapidly aren't they? Every year around here, the holidaze bring about a multitude of problems. Some are solvable, some, not so much. Almost all of them revolve around family.

For those of you that know me, you're probably aware that I have a pretty shitty family. With the exception of Flipper, the rest of them pretty much suck. Hard.

Over the years the tension within the family grew and flourished. If I told you most of it was over money, would you be surprised? It's long and complicated but suffice it to say it revolves around the fact that although Flipper has been with me since I was nine years old, I'm not "legitimate" in their eyes. And now it's passing through to the next generation. And that's just one side of the "family"

On the other side? Well, let's just say that they'll show up, they'll take interest you when you write a check, other than that? Not so much.

Himself's family? Pretty much non-existent. His older sister is wrapped up in her religion and her own family. His younger sister?? Well let's just say that "teh crazy" really is a sexually transmitted disease... We never hear from them. Perhaps they too, feel that we're not a "legitimate" family...I'm an "other" wife, so maybe that's where their primary problem lies. (BTW, I don't remember actually doing anything to offend them. I'm from the camp that says I can't fix it if you don't tell me what "it" is)

Moving on.....

The Holidaze involve dealing with my family, both side A (Flipper's) and side B (mine). First we'll deal with side A. The A side will be here for Thanksgiving. I do this every year because it makes Flipper happy. Even though at some level he realizes that his family sucks, they are still his family and in some peculiar way, it makes him happy to have them here. It causes a load of stress that can only be tolerated with controlled outbursts of rage and OCD. Some of the "things" that have been said and or done over the years?

"Arrogant" tells me that I must be gone from my family home so that he and his girlfriend can romp in the Jacuzzi. I protest..he tells me that "it doesn't matter what you think, all this will be mine anyway when Flipper dies" He never saw the shovel coming....he refused medical treatment....

"Disturbed" asks me to stand up in her wedding. I agree (it makes Flipper happy) It costs me more than $500.00 to do so. The wedding is out of town. I'm housed away from the rest of the wedding party. I'm uninvited to the wedding party festivities, I drive myself to and from the church and reception.

"Piggy" tells me that "Your husband won't be excited over your adoption, he's had "real" children"

I asked "Disturbed" to do a reading at Momma's funeral. (in fairness, she was my very last choice) She accepts and then assaults me with the statement "We never got to know Flipper because your mother was such a bitch"

These are but a few examples of what has transpired over the years. The hardest part for me is to put on the "happy face". I want to be a good person, I really do. I want Flipper to have everything that makes him happy for as long as he's on this Earth. But I also want peace in my own home. I want peace for my daughter and husband. I want home to be a safe place, and letting these people in my home risks safety. One never knows what they may say or do... the anticipation of disaster causes unbelievable amounts of stress.

My counter for all of this... is that everything must be "perfect"... and my "perfect" is generally over and above everyone else's perfect... Anyone seeing my problem here??

Most days I can give up life's difficulties to the universe and move on... Holidaze? I give them up to the OCD monster and anger...and I don't know how to make it stop while making everyone happy at the same time......

Le Sigh.....

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Travel Is Only Glamorous In Retrospect

Well, the eagle has landed or Skylab has fallen or something like that. We returned from the great Southwest several days ago, and I've been playing catch-up ever since...

Departure is always an exercise in "teh crazy" around here and this time was no different. We chose to leave on the Thursday before Christmas which meant that I was a party of one the day before departure. It also meant that "Vanbo" was mine for the day. Lesson one, the Spinner must be caged on the way to the kennel so that the Spastic Lab cannot chase him through 40 cubic feet of storage space whilst I'm zipping down the road at breakneck speed. My shoulder is still sore from whacking the air behind me like some sort of one armed windmill on crack. At least with the two of them in the Nytmobile, I can actually connect with something when I swing.

The next problem arises out of my own neurosis. The house must be absolutely, positively, scrupulously clean before we leave. Laundry done, floors washed, bathrooms clean, everything. Heaven forbid that the neighbor feeding the cat and the fish sees anything out of place. Never mind that he's seen me making coffee at the grill in a t-shirt and under-roos, (there is a story, trust me) the house must be absolutely perfect. I have this thing about anyone seeing my house out of order, and I can't stand coming home to a dirty house. Chant with me now "embrace the OCD".

The drive down was fairly uneventful. Vanbo is quite nice to travel in, I even made it into the back to watch a movie. The week before we left, every state we were due to travel through was under a severe weather watch or a state of emergency, but by the time we left, we were able to sail through relatively unscathed. There was some pesky rain in Missouri, (only when I'm driving) but that's about it.

Flipper was glad to see us, and he and Himself adjourned to the golf course immediately. I was left with a mile long list of errands and virtually impossible tasks. Ever the competitor, all errands and the impossible were accomplished. There was only one obvious loss of impulse control, and no one was injured.

The holidaze passed pleasantly, with parties, friends, and football. I'm only in for two out of three and I'll let you guess which ones.

While reading the paper on Christmas day, Himself found a fabulous, one day only sale, on a huge television at the local electronics store. Flipper has been in the market for a new TV and after much discussion and debate, Himself and I found ourselves in line at 5 in the morning the day after Christmas. I figured that there was no way we'd end up with this great deal, usually there's only one or two of the advertised item in the store and we were fifth in line. Silly me, there were 40 or 50 in the store and we scored the coveted deal. Did I forget to mention that Flipper wanted the massive television for his NORTHERN abode? Um, yeah. So, add some more errands to the list (Vanbo needed crossbars for the roof rack and a bag for our clothes) and convert Vanbo to a two-seater, without reclining seats. Ooooh yeah, and drive 1800 miles or so....

Needless to say, we made it. And there was only that one unfortunate incident that had me covering my face with my hands, stomping on the imaginary brake, and squealing like a panicked child, causing Himself to abandon the wheel outside St.Louis while grumbling that after this many years, I should be all finished with the neurosis about his driving. I countered by explaining that after this many years he should be over with his neurosis over my neurosis.......brilliant, don't you think?

For today, there are volumes of mail to go through and we could potentially starve to death if I don't get my behind to the grocery stores. And the utility companies might like to be paid, and I did finish all the laundry, but I still have ironing.......

Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter can be said to remedy anything.....

I'm thinking of breaking up with adulthood. Yes, adulthood and I have invested a lot in our relationship, but lately I'm just feeling less than fufilled with the whole grown-up thing. Maybe it's time for us to take a break, see other life stages, experience more things. Perhaps a few dates with Childhood and its unbridled joy and creativity might put me right. Even Adolescence is looking fairly attractive these days, with its narcissistic, all consuming angst, along with the wild highs and lows. Although the Golden Years have been flirting with me, I just don't feel the whole settled and sage thing. Sorry Golden Years, maybe another time.......

Alrighty then, that's enough of the personal reflection stuff. On to more entertaining and informative stuff. Along with the mundane and the boring. No one will be able to say that I'm not well rounded.

The quest to return Flipper & friends to the desert southwest continues on. So far both the weather and the airlines are less than cooperative. The airlines refuse to handle the friends if the temperature is below 20 degrees. And the weather can't decide if it's going to be less than 20 degrees. Flipper can't decide whether or not he wants to change his flight, and the airlines can't decide how many seats they actually have. We're at T-minus 3 days and counting to the original departure and T-minus 7 days to the last chance departure. If we end up at last chance departure, it means that Himself, Myself, Flipper and friends are spending 24 hours of family "togetherness" in the shiny new van that looked really large, until I pictured it loaded with boxes, golf clubs, friends and full-size people. Suddenly, it doesn't look so large....... Oh, and did I mention that every state between here and there is under snow, ice, a weather alert, or a state of emergency??!!?? That should make for a fabulous family trip...

Speaking of Flipper, his new-found sharing skills are sort of freaking me out. After years of not dealing with anything emotional, after years of not saying anything, he seems to have been beaten by the Dr. Phil stick. He actually called me yesterday to inform me about gifts that he was giving. Along with the gift inventory, he also wanted to make sure that I wasn't hurt or offended by the recipients or the size of the gifts. Huh?!? I suspect that the life changes he (and I) have experienced in the last few years have changed his perspective somewhat. And while I'm grateful for the change in his perspective, I won't say that it doesn't freak me out, just a little bit. One day I'll get around to telling the whole story, but for right now, trust me, it's a HUGE change.

My organizational skills and my OCD have been taking a beating the last few days. I've gotten up every morning with a plan, but somehow, someway, the plan is derailed, and the things that need to be done, just aren't getting there. I think I'm going to ground myself for today, and get done those things that just can't wait any longer (which in my head is everything). There are rooms to be cleaned, laundry, ironing, gifts to be wrapped and mailed, (or FedEx'd since I've waited so long), prescriptions to be refilled, and a whole bunch of personal care stuff.... Ugh!

Oh Christmas Tree....


So, we put a Xmas tree up this year. For the first time in five years or so, we actually broke out the ornaments and covered a regular size tree. Since we're normally not home at Christmas time, we've been sneaking by for the past few years with the tabletop stick tree, or the wonderfully trashy fiber optic tinsel trees. This year, for some reason, I really wanted to put up a full size grown-up tree. I'm thinking that this will be simple, after all I purchased a beautiful pre-lit tree at a store closing sale. Just unbox that bad boy and plug 'er in......right????

Himself may disagree with me. I sent him to the crawlspace no less than twenty times. I sent myself to the local drugstore twice. I sent the poorly behaved beasts out of the room no less than a hundred times. The tree had balance issues, and the cord for the light up topper was too short for connection and I ended up dissecting a Christmas tablecloth for use as a tree skirt. My two hour project morphed into six hours, and a good chunk of my living room furniture had to be rearranged. Then came the sorting of the ornaments. The idea that next Christmas may involve a small child means that the ornaments need to be sorted into breakable and unbreakable boxes. As I dropped some shiny red ball ornaments into the breakable pile, Himself snatched one up, tapped on it a few times and announced that it was unbreakable. I truly wasn't sure and I told him so. He decided to demonstrate the unbreakability of said ornament by squeezing it tightly. As the words "I guess you're right" began to leave my lips... the shiny red ball exploded in his hand..... at which point I sent him downstairs for the twenty-first time to retrieve the vacuum.

Did I mention we won't be in town this year either?????

So, really, I'm not crazy...

Well, not certifiably crazy, just kind of crazy....

The holidaze have arrived, in all of their glory, and I'm looking forward to January. Living near a mall is darn nice 11 months out of the year, but right now? Not so much... So, for the non-locals who are descending on my part of town, some rules designed to keep you safe from me and the loss of impulse control i occasionally suffer from.

1) There is no need to cut me off. I'm not after your "parents with children" parking space. I'm after the half and half at the local grocery store. Trust me, me having my coffee keeps you a whole lot safer.

2) Neighborhood shortcuts are for people who live in the neighborhood. Feel free NOT to come zooming through my neighborhood in a desperate attempt to avoid the traffic. One does not have to be a rocket scientist to figure out how to flatten your tires without breaking a sweat.

3) There are grocery stores in your neighborhood too. Please feel free to stop there instead of clogging up the one grocery store that you can see from the mall.

4) Please do not slam on your brakes in the middle of the street. I know you don't know where you're going, but I do know where I'm going, and I'd like to get there in one piece. Might I suggest asking Santa for a nice GPS system???

5) There are a dozen different entrances to the mall. Pick one, any one, it doesn't matter. If you make nothing but right turns after you enter the mall, you will reach your destination.....

And if you happen to see me on the street....get the hell out of my way!!